This week has the Cougar Town premiere, the most important event on television until the Community premiere. I am counting down the minutes. There may or may not be other shows this week. Let’s find out.
Monday
7:30 – Adventure Time (Cartoon Network): Jake embarks on a solo mission to help a broken-hearted Finn. Aww, how sad. Eventually they’ll be each other’s Valentine.
8:00 – House (Fox): House connects with a cloistered nun he’s treating who’s on the verge of taking her final vows. But when her condition worsens and requires risky surgery, it’s Chase’s judgment that’s compromised. Meanwhile, House and Taub try to out-prank each other. I love when someone gets in a prank war with House because one person will be like “I made you kind of itchy” and House will be like “I destroyed your parents’ marriage.” Good times!
8:30 – 2 Broke Girls (CBS): Max and Caroline spend Valentine’s Day at the hospital with Earl after he suffers a heart attack brought on by seeing Sophie all dressed up. At that point why not make it a cartoon where it’s actually shaped like a heart and pushes out of his chest? At least Max and Caroline are spending Valentine’s Day together instead of this show trying to fool us.
9:00 – Alcatraz (Fox): An inmate resurfaces and plants bombs throughout populated areas of San Francisco. Dang these descriptions blur together real fast.
10:00 – Smash (NBC): Derek makes the audition process rigorous for Karen and Ivy. Elsewhere, Eileen looks for financial backing; and Julia and Frank hit bureaucratic obstacles with their international adoption plans. I really want to know how long they’re going to drag out the decision of whether to cast Karen and Ivy because some of the promos make it sound like that’s a full season arc. I can’t imagine watching an entire season about one decision like that.
Tuesday
7:30 – The Amazing World of Gumball (Cartoon Network): A run of bad luck befalls Gumball. That will probably result in several deaths because this show doesn’t fuck around.
8:00 – Glee (Fox): Will has a Valentine’s Day challenge for the glee kids: find and perform the world’s greatest love songs. Meanwhile, Rachel’s two dads, Hiram (Jeff Goldblum) and LeRoy Berry (Brian Stokes Mitchell), visit McKinley High. I’m happy to see Jeff Goldblum do anything and since their challenge is to find the world’s greatest love songs, I’m assuming someone will perform “Heaven Tonight” by Hole or else they all get an F.
8:30 – Cougar Town (ABC): In the third-season premiere, Grayson irks Jules by labeling her predictable; Ellie worries that Little Stan is a spawn of the devil; and Travis settles into his new off-campus housing, though he’s not sure he wants his dad’s dog as a roommate. I never expect to see the words “spawn of the devil” in a description that is not Supernatural, so I’m assuming this is a Supernatural crossover. What a great idea!
9:00 – New Girl (Fox): Schmidt agrees to be Jess’ wingman when she sets out to have a one-night stand on Valentine’s Day. Elsewhere, Nick’s romantic plans for the holiday are foiled when he finds himself spending more time with Julia’s male assistant than with her. Schmidt being anyone’s wingman is adorable, but it being Jess takes it to new heights of cuteness. I will put aside the fact that I’m not entirely sure she wants a one-night stand. This one’s got Clark Duke.
9:30 – Raising Hope (Fox): When Sabrina’s relationship with Wyatt gets serious, a dejected Jimmy tries to make her jealous by convincing a student at Barney’s improv class to be his make-believe girlfriend. Whether or not you want Jimmy and Sabrina to get together, I think we can all agree that the idea of her getting serious with Wyatt is deeply depressing.
10:00 – White Collar (USA): A wealthy baseball fan plans to steal a valuable piece of memorabilia from Yankees Stadium and recruits Neal to join his team for the heist. I feel like the Yankess have some weird stronghold over USA where all of their characters have to be fans. It’s deeply off-putting.
Wednesday
8:00 – American Idol (Fox): The Hollywood round continues. Has everyone survived so far?
9:00 – Modern Family (ABC): Phil and Claire go overboard with drinks—and divulging personal information—on a night out to celebrate the sale of a house to Mitchell and Cameron’s friends. Well, married couples getting tipsy is pretty cute.
9:30 – Happy Endings (ABC): Max’s new beau is a hit with everyone, save for Dave, who sets out to prove he’s equally cool, while Max worries that he himself can’t measure up to his “perfect” guy. My distaste for this show aside, I’m glad the Valentine’s Day episode is focusing on Max.
10:00 – Revenge (ABC): People close to Emily are in jeopardy when unexpected turmoil breaks out at her engagement party. Meanwhile, Jack searches for Amanda; and Charlotte desperately wants to ease the sting she feels from her family’s treachery. That sounds like it will be very dramatic for people who have gotten invested in Revenge.
Thursday
8:00 – 30 Rock (NBC): There’s no description available, but it’s called “The Tuxedo Begins.” So, hopefully NBC is just going to play that Jackie Chan movie instead of 30 Rock.
8:30 – Parks and Recreation (NBC): Leslie and Ben have an awkward run-in with Leslie’s old flame Dave; Andy writes a theme song for Leslie’s campaign. Both cute. Cute plots all around.
9:00 – The Office (NBC): Dwight arrives in Tallahassee with his team and sets out to win over Sabre’s special-projects bigwig. Back in Scranton, some desk jockeys push for raises, but Andy avoids his managerial duty to address the issue. I feel like people complained that entire episodes where they’re out of the office are a sign of jumping the shark and somehow that led to NBC thinking “vacation episode!”, but hopefully they know what they’re doing.
9:30 – Up All Night (NBC): Reagan and Chris brave the airport with Amy in tow during their first trip as new parents. Elsewhere, Ava officiates the wedding of her former bandmate (Alanis Morissette), but past conflicts soon resurface; and Kevin discovers Ava’s views on marriage. Alanis Morissette on Thursday and Alison Krauss on Sunday? This week really takes me back to a simpler time.
10:00 – Archer (FX): Malory turns to Archer and Lana for help when she finds herself in a compromising situation with the Italian prime minister. Well, now I’m just worried about Malory.
10:30 – Unsupervised (FX): When Gary and Joel discover that they’re in the “slow” track at school, they spearhead an uprising to abolish academic “segregation.” They should just be happy that their assignments are to listen to a book on tape and if they don’t do it they still get candy. Slow track is the best.
Friday
9:00 – Supernatural (The CW): A demon that once murdered women in a small town resurfaces and embarks on another killing spree. Sam and Dean visit a man once possessed by the demon to see if he can remember any of the demonic beast’s plans. Also, Jared Padalecki look sad.
10:00 – Portlandia (IFC): A visiting motorcyclist gets Peter and Nance all revved up but leaves them feeling old and unattractive, so they decide to do something about it. That sounds fine given that the plots of these episodes are completely irrelevant.
Saturday
10:00 AM – My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (The Hub): Pinkie Pie is puzzled when she encounters a donkey who refuses to be her friend. Well, that is going to be amazing.
8:00 – Victorious (Nickelodeon): Tori notices that André’s new girlfriend is bossy and worries that he’s changing to please her. Elsewhere, Jade and Cat become dog sitters. I sure hope there’s a conversation where she tries to help and he’s like “You’re just jealous!” Classic.
11:30 – Saturday Night Live (NBC): Maya Rudolph hosts. Music guest: Sleigh Bells. I’m so proud of Maya Rudolph for finally, finally hosting. I’m sure she was planning on doing Whitney Houston and maybe they’ll still do a very respectful “heaven is great” type Weekend Update visit. That would be darling.
Sunday
7:30 – The Cleveland Show (Fox): In an attempt at father-stepson bonding, Cleveland takes Rallo to a magic show and, abracadabra, they become a ventriloquist act. Rallo plays the puppet but he’s no dummy, and he soon resents Cleveland’s hogging of the credit for their success. I think if Cleveland Jr. wanted to go to a magic show Cleveland would make fun of him, so he’s probably just trying to torture him by taking Rallo to one.
8:00 – The Simpsons (Fox): In the series’ 500th episode, the Simpsons are banished from Springfield, thanks to Homer’s drunken antics, Bart’s shenanigans and Lisa’s annoying environmental activism, and end up in an off-the-grid, post-apocalyptic encampment called “The Outlands.” Alison Krauss performs the series’ theme song. Well, that sounds like The Simpsons Movie but more terrible and with Alison Krauss performing. Which cancels out to the same level of quality. Seriously, that Alison Krauss thing makes me more delighted than this show has made me in years. They could get anyone and that’s what they went with.
8:30 – Napoleon Dynamite (Fox): Uncle Rico and Napoleon team up for Preston’s annual bed races to keep six-time champ Grandma from winning yet again. Still smarting from a high-school-football defeat years earlier, Rico’s desperate to return to glory, so he persuades Napoleon to cheat. Well, that sounds hella boring.
9:00 – Family Guy (Fox): When a boatload of Mercedes-Benzes sinks in Quahog harbor, Peter, Joe and Quagmire hop in a fishing boat to salvage cars for themselves. They can’t, but they do meet a talking dolphin (voice of Ricky Gervais), who soon moves in with the Griffins. I’m glad Ricky Gervais found one more way to combine his love of making money with most people in Hollywood’s love of letting someone else do the heavy lifting.
9:30 – American Dad! (Fox): After expressing hatred for old people, Stan is magically transformed into one himself, and a frail one at that. Meanwhile, Roger takes Francine to a dance contest, and she quickly discovers that it’s not what she had expected it to be. If more sitcoms ended after season 6, then fewer sitcoms would have a plot that relies on magic suddenly existing at some point.
10:00 – Comic Book Men (AMC): There’s no title or description released, but, y’know, comic book store stuff.
Wow, that’s a pretty comprehensive listing there, but you made sure to talk about the best shows. I just hate that so many of them are on so late. I work an early shift and need to be in bed before most of my favorites come on (for instance Happy Endings). I have a DVR but a lot of my shows overlap. That’s why dishonline is great. It’s a free streaming site, run by my employer, DISH, and it has an exhaustive selection of shows to watch. Many of which are even available to non-DISH customers, so it’s definitely worth checking out.
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