1. Malcolm in the Middle: Dirty Magazine

2. House: The Socratic Method

3. Entourage: Pilot

4. Arrested Development: Afternoon Delight

5. Arrested Development: Not Without My Daughter

6. Joan of Arcadia: Anonymous

7. Malcolm in the Middle: Lois’s Sister

8. Malcolm in the Middle: Softball

9. South Park: Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset

10. King of the Hill: A Rover Runs Through It

11. Joan of Arcadia: Vanity, Thy Name is Human

12. Malcolm in the Middle: Malcolm Dates a Family

13. Arrested Development: Good Grief

14. Joan of Arcadia: Silence

15. Entourage: The Scene

16. Degrassi: Time Stands Still

17. Malcolm in the Middle: Pearl Harbor

18. Joan of Arcadia: Night Without Stars

19. Joan of Arcadia: Only Connect

20. Malcolm in the Middle: Block Party

21. King of the Hill: Hank’s Back

22. King of the Hill: Phish and Wildlife

23. Joan of Arcadia: Wealth of Nations

24. King of the Hill: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Alamo

25. South Park: Woodland Critter Christmas

26. Malcolm in the Middle: Missing Kitty

27. Malcolm in the Middle: Ida’s Boyfriend

28. Arrested Development: Pier Pressure

29. Joan of Arcadia: No Bad Guy

30. Malcolm in the Middle: Dewey’s Special Class

31. Malcolm in the Middle: The Buseys Run Away

32. Arrested Development: Shock and Aww

33. House: Pilot

34. King of the Hill: Cheer Factor

-Introduction to Statistics 

1. Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Storyteller

2. Joan of Arcadia: The Devil Made Me Do It

3. Malcolm in the Middle: The Boys at the Ranch

4. Malcolm in the Middle: Garage Sale

5. Malcolm in the Middle: Long Drive

6. Malcolm in the Middle: If Boys Were Girls

7. Joan of Arcadia: Bringeth It On

8. Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Chosen

9. Futurama: The Farnsworth Parabox

10. Joan of Arcadia: Pilot

11. Clone High: Makeover, Makeover, Makeover: The Makeover Eisode

12. Futurama: The Devil’s Hands Are Idle Play Things

13. Malcolm in the Middle: Reese’s Party

14. Clone High: Changes: You Got a Prom with That

15. King of the Hill: Full Metal Dust Jacket

16. Degrassi: How Soon is Now?

17. Arrested Development: Key Decisions

18. Malcolm in the Middle: Goodbye Kitty

19. Malcolm in the Middle: Vegas

20. Arrested Development: My Mother the Car

21. Arrested Development: Top Banana

22. Joan of Arcadia: The Boat

23. Malcolm in the Middle: Day Care

24. King of the Hill: The Incredible Hank

25. Arrested Development: In God We Trust

26. Joan of Arcadia: The Uncertainty Principle

27. King of the Hill: Maid in Arlen

28. Degrassi: U Got the Look

29. King of the Hill: Racist Dawg

30. South Park: It’s Christmas in Canada

31. Clone High: Litter Kills: Literally

32. King of the Hill: New Cowboy on the Block

33. King of the Hill: Be True to Your Fool

34. Arrested Development: Visiting Ours

35. Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Killer in Me

36. King of the Hill: Livin’ on Reds, Vitamin C and Propane

37. King of the Hill: After the Mold Rush

38. Malcolm in the Middle: Malcolm’s Job

39. Degrassi: Tears Are Not Enough

40.  Will & Grace: Fanilow

41. Queer as Folk: Hunt(er)for Love

42. Degrassi: Whisper to a Scream

43. South Park: I’m a Little Bit Country

44. Degrassi: Dressed in Black

45. King of the Hill: Board Games

46. Arrested Development: Pilot

47. South Park: All About the Mormons

48. Futurama: Less Than Hero

49. Will & Grace: Dames at Sea

50. Queer as Folk: Doctors of Dickology

Monday

8:00 – House (Fox): A hospitalized marriage counselor shows behavior that contradicts his motivational message on gender roles. Meanwhile, House and his green-card Ukrainian “wife” try to show immigration officials that they’re a happily married couple. House also decides to name a new team leader. I’m glad they’re finally doing a relatively whacky episode. This show has been bringing me down lately.

8:30 – 2 Broke Girls (CBS): Max and Caroline serve not-quite-kosher cupcakes at a Bar Mitzvah. What an odd main crisis.

9:00 – Hart of Dixie (The CW): A rare snowfall in Bluebell delights Zoe, but her fellow citizens view it as a bad omen. Meanwhile, Lavon’s parents visit him and meet Didi; and Lemon and George confront a choice about their future. These people are scared of now? I’m starting to suspect this show doesn’t have the most positive outlook on small towns.

9:30 – Mike & Molly (CBS): Molly discovers that Mike hasn’t had a birthday party since he was 9 years old, so she sets out to rectify that by throwing him a big surprise bash. Meanwhile, Samuel gives online dating a whirl. Yeah, I wasn’t going to say anything during our entire courtship, but I’m glad you enjoyed all of your birthdays.

10:00 – Smash (NBC): Casting begins for the Joe DiMaggio character, and the lead contender is hiding something. Meanwhile, Karen returns to her hometown to attend a baby shower; and Eileen’s ex-husband pollutes her pool of potential investors. I hope this show gets significantly better. They managed to get me invested in this not being just another mediocre TV show.

Tuesday

4:00 – The Ellen Degeneres Show (NBC): Taylor Swift and Zac Efron. That will be cute!

7:00 – House of Anubis (Nickelodeon): Jerome discovers that Trudy’s been kidnapped; the kids find a secret door in the task chamber; Alfie bonds with Piper; Jerome’s quest takes him to Sarah’s dollhouse. This school has a “task chamber”? I bet that’s just what they call the cafeteria during after school hours when they glitter glue.

7:30 – The Amazing World of Gumball (Cartoon Network):  The guys accidentally create a monster with a taste for the family. Oh, Amazing World of Gumball. You do go on.

8:00 – Glee (Fox): The glee kids square off against the Dalton Academy Warblers at Regionals. I wish that was going to be the main focus. The competition episodes are usually the best ones because it’s mostly just singing, but this one has wedding stuff, baby stuff and possibly some horrible melodrama with Quinn. Yikers.

8:30 – Cougar Town (ABC): Jules can’t decide on a maid of honor, so she asks Ellie and Laurie to share the title. Meanwhile, Grayson plans to ask for permission to marry Jules, but her father doesn’t make it easy for him. Alright let’s get all of these pre-wedding tropes out of the way quickly so we can get back to all having fun.

9:00 – New Girl (Fox): Jess deals with a bully in her classroom; Nick frets when Julia sends him a cactus; and Schmidt’s new love interest insists on keeping their relationship a secret. Oh, CeCe. Every other guy you sleep with is so much more embarrassing than Schmidt. Why are you too blind to see it?

9:30 – Raising Hope (Fox): Jimmy and Sabrina decide to be more open with each other as their relationship grows, which leads to Jimmy helping her overcome a childhood phobia. Meanwhile, Burt comes clean with Virginia about a habit he’s been hiding for years. I’m looking forward to a new era of Jimmy and Sabrina being a couple.

10:00 – White Collar (USA): A wealthy baseball fan plans to steal a valuable piece of memorabilia from Yankees Stadium and recruits Neal to join his team for the heist. I thought this episode was going to air last week, but instead there was no White Collar episode because of a dog show. A dog show, really? When I don’t get an episode of my favorite show because of sports, I hate it, but I get it. But, I draw the line at dog shows.

Wednesday

7:00 – House of Anubis (Nickelodeon): Patricia is heartbroken when she learns that Eddie kissed Piper. Why, there’s no magical mysteries in that plotline at all! Shouldn’t they check if some sort of orb or mysterious sword showed up in the task chamber?

8:00 – American Idol (Fox): The contestants must bring it and sing it in one final performance opportunity to win over the judges, who then reveal the first group of semifinalists. This is the last episode before we get to the relatively entertaining portion of this show! We made it!

9:30 – Happy Endings (ABC): Punxsutawney Phil may signal winter’s end, but this group of friends can set their calendars by the “spring smackdown”: Jane and Brad’s annual domestic dispute. It’s also the sign for Max to come out of his long winter’s hibernation. Why does this show refuse to be better? Is it laziness or incompetence?

Thursday

7:00 – House of Anubis (Nickelodeon): Jasper dodges Fabian’s questions. I hope it’s a bottle episode with the two of them trapped in the task chamber just dialogue-ing a storm, but no actual information is divulged.

8:00 – 30 Rock (NBC): The Rock stars leap into an intercalary-day celebration. On leap day, Jack gets an extra day to do business, Liz helps Jenna woo an Internet billionaire and Tracy sets out to spend a big-bucks Benihana gift card. First off, don’t try to make the phrase “The Rock stars” happen. Second, did Jenna break up with Paul? I skip one episode and this is what happens.

8:30 – Parks and Recreation (NBC): Everyone forgets Jerry’s birthday. To make up for it, Leslie throws him a post-birthday party at a special location. Meanwhile, Tom is shocked to learn that he and Ann have very different tastes in music. Tom, if April can love Andy even though he thinks Dave Matthews Band is better than The Smiths, then love can conquer anything. Don’t worry about it.

9:00 – The Office (NBC): A power play unfolds in Tallahassee when Dwight and Todd Packer compete to become Nellie’s vice president. Meanwhile, Jim receives an unwanted visitor; and Andy forces the Scranton staffers to work late. Bleh.

9:30 – Up All Night (NBC): Chris agrees to host a joint birthday party for Amy with his enthusiastic neighbors, much to Reagan’s chagrin. Ava, meanwhile, tries to put her own special touch on the party, while Nancy hopes the gathering will help her land a man. Wouldn’t it be great if this show got a lot better? I maintain hope.

10:00 – Archer (FX): Ray’s younger brother is in trouble with a crooked sheriff in the West Virginia backwoods, and Archer must come to the rescue. Needless to say, Jack McBrayer plays Ray’s younger brother.

10:30 – Unsupervised (FX): An outbreak of head lice threatens Gary and Joel’s plans to hook up with girls at a school dance. That’s not a bad plot, but I bet they’ll ruin it.

Friday

7:00 – House of Anubis (Nickelodeon): Jasper’s offering is rejected by the Collector; Jerome takes Sarah’s dollhouse. I don’t know exactly what the Collector is, but I think when you’re a child, getting rejected by “the Collector” is always a good thing.

8:00 – Fred: The Show (Nickelodeon): Fred advertises his babysitting services and thinks Kevin is his first charge. I can say without hyperbole that this show will probably be the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.

9:00 – Grimm (NBC): A double-homicide investigation lands Nick and Monroe in a creature fight club. Fight club is my least favorite TV trope because why the fuck is that a trope?

10:00 – Portlandia (IFC): A surprise guest turns up at the anniversary party for Toni and Candace. Spoiler alert: It’s Penny Marshall.

Saturday

12:00 – Power Rangers Samurai (Nickelodeon): A hard-shelled Nighlok proves to be a formidable opponent; Antonio loses an important item, and two wannabe Samurais find it. I had no idea that there was a new Power Rangers show on the air. This changes everything.

8:00 – Victorious (Nickelodeon): Cat’s favorite actress passes away, and Cat wants to honor her. Elsewhere, Trina directs herself and the boys in a play. I don’t have a lot to say about this show, but it is a fun watch.

8:30 – How to Rock (Nickelodeon): Kacey pressures her band to make a music video after the Perfs make a highly successful one, but her pushy attitude causes problems. It’s okay, Kacey, we’ll still make your video. That’s what friends are for…even if you are a real pain some times.

Sunday

7:30 – So Random! (Disney): New Boyz perform “Meet My Mom.” Sometimes I think you young people are just making this crap up.

8:30 – Shake It Up (Disney): Rocky and CeCe are paired for a school science project, but Rocky thinks CeCe lacks enthusiasm so she looks for a new partner. Meanwhile, Gunther takes over for Ty as Flynn’s babysitter. They really milk that Rocky-cares-about-school-more-than-CeCe angle.

9:00 – Nick News with Linda Ellerbee (Nickelodeon): Kids and celebrities discuss personal failures and how they overcame them. Celebrities appearing include Tina Fey, Brian Williams, Richard Branson, Wendy Williams, Russell Simmons, George Lopez, Julie Bowen, Nick Cannon and Melissa Joan Hart. I remember thinking this show was really boring, which is a shame because they had really good topics. What can I say? There was a time when fairy magic seemed much more relevant than gay marriage.

10:00 – Comic Book Men (AMC): Walt thinks it’s time for the Stash to shoot a commercial. Later, a customer brings in something really special. I’m guessing this will never be a show that has really thrilling episode descriptions.

Pretty Little Liars: Well, I don’t know much about this show or about Emaya, but Maya did make a big, dorky looking sign to wave at Emily’s swim meet and hasn’t tried to kill her (that we know of so far), so I’ll ship it. My favorite moment of this episode was Hanna thinking that the number in whatshisname’s password must be super-important to him since he put an exclamation point after it. You know nothing about password security and everything about dramatic suspense, Hanna.

Gossip Girl: This week’s episode featured a couple of montages of Valentine’s Day shenanigans and these included both a guy-on-guy kiss and a girl-on-girl kiss. I like to think that casually throwing those in there was a direct “fuck you” to Glee for thinking they get to brag about finally having their lesbian characters kiss after three seasons of build up.

Tuesday

Glee: This is definitely the least offensive, least boring episode they’ve had in a while. Congrats to Glee on finally achieving mediocrity after weeks of being terrible. Santana continued her reign of pointing out obvious terrible things and this week it was about how Santana and Brittany aren’t allowed to kiss even though we’re subjected to watching Rachel and Finn kiss all the time. In the end, they got their kisses and they got to be serenaded by a dreadlocked Christian boy.

Thursday

Archer: This episode focused mostly on Malory and her delightfully dildo-and-murder based shenanigans. But, we still got to see Pam and Cheryl get really into dressing up in Malory’s clothes and act like they were having an elegant dinner party.

Friday

Portlandia: This week’s episode had a few delightful sketches, including one where Carrie’s character attempts to take her clothes to a thrift store, only to be mocked by the guy at the register and another about Carrie’s character hiring an adult babysitter for her husband.

Saturday

Saturday Night Live: Maya Rudolph opened the episode with a song about how much she loves fucking a lot of different people and there was a moment where her and Kristen talked about the Bridesmaids premiere. I thought this was slightly overdone and we didn’t need the references to getting drunk or the reaction shots from all of the guys, but they’re still very cute girls. There was also a joke Amy Poehler made where she said that 98% of Catholic women admit to using birth control “and the other 2% are the ones always trying to get the church to start a softball team.” It was cute.

1. Futurama: Leela’s Homeworld

2. Malcolm in the MIddle: Cynthia’s Back

3. Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Seeing Red

4. Malcolm in the Middle: Cliques

5. King of the Hill: Returning Japanese

6. Malcolm in the Middle: Dewey’s Dog

7. South Park: Bebe’s Boobs Destroy Society

8. Malcolm in the Middle: Zoo

9. Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Help

10. Queer as Folk: Priorities, Please (Beat the Time)

11. Malcolm in the Middle: Hal’s Birthday

12. Angel: Spin the Bottle

13. Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Normal Again

14. Clone High: Plane Crazy: Gate Expectations

15. Firefly: Our Mrs. Reynolds

16. Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Conversations with Dead People

17. King of the Hill: Fun with Jane and Jane

18. Degrassi: Shout

19. Futurama: Godfellas

20. Undeclared: Truth or Dare

21. Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Villains

22. Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Selfless

23. Futurama: The 30% Iron Chef

24. Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Never Leave Me

25. Clone High: Film Fest: Tears of a Clone

26. Queer as Folk: The Leper (Hath the Babe Not Eyes?)

27. Malcolm in the Middle: Forbidden Girlfriend

28. Andy Richter Controls the Universe: Wedding

29. King of the Hill: The Bluegrass is Always Greener

30. Queer as Folk: Accentuate the Positive

31. Queer as Folk: Bowling for Equality

32. South Park: The Biggest Douche in the Universe

33. Angel: Waiting in the Wings

34. Queer as Folk: Rage Against This Machine

35. South Park: Asspen

36. South Park: Red Hot Catholic Love

37. Malcolm in the Middle: Jury Duty

38. King of the Hill: The Son Also Roses

39. South Park: Free Hat

40. King of the Hill: Bad Girls, Bad Girls, Whatcha Gonna Do?

41. Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Entropy

42. Degrassi: Jagged Little Pill

43. King of the Hill: Sug Night

44. Malcolm in the Middle: Forwards Backwards

45. Queer as Folk: The Wedding

46. Ally McBeal: A Kick in the Head

47. Will & Grace: Dyeing is Easy, Comedy is Hard

48. Degrassi: Friday Night

49. South Park: Jared Has Aides

50. Queer as Folk: Mixed Blessings